LOL

Just kind of laughing to myself tonight.

I homeschool 4 kids while pregnant with a 5th, whom will also be homeschooled.
I'm happily married.
My children never miss a Sunday at church.
I'm a soccer mom.
I work 2 of my own home businesses.
My husband is a truck driver who misses out on so many milestones, holidays, birthdays, etc. I support him in his endeavors.
Somehow I find time to give my friends the attention they deserve from me.
Dealt with my dads murder and finally coming out of my 8 month long funk of grieving and mourning.

Last weekend I was cussed out by a jealous wife who has maybe talked to me once about my 6 year old, and told "we don't associate with people like you" by a woman (an elementary school teacher no less!) who allows her husband to work in the porn industry, over a misunderstanding.
If he doesn't hang out with people like me, why do i have him on video in a beer drinking race with one of my BFF's at Chuy's? On his daughter's birthday that my daughter was invited to, by the way..HAHA but IM a lying bitch.
She doesn't like me because her husband told her he thought I was attractive.

I can understand her being upset, but the way she approached me was wrong.


Just kinda found that ironic.
I'm not dwelling on this, it just came to mind and I giggled.
Cuss me out and then demand answers. That works.

Once again a truckers wife.

Day 1

Joe is on the Greyhound to Oklahoma, now.

Maesie and Joe Jr. are seasoned trucker brats. They're more understanding of what's happening.

Maesie can very easily lose herself in a video game and keep busy if she needs to.

Joey's preoccupied with schoolwork. I don't know if this has hit him yet. We will find out soon enough.

Ava is still not quite ok.
Being very attached to her daddy, shes taking this the hardest. She's been in heaven since Joes been home. As he was saying his goodbyes, she was very stand-offish while she wept, like she felt she was being abandoned by her hero.
My cousin came over while I was at the bus station with Joe, and told me Ava was distraught and more clingy than usual. This one is going to take some time.

Brayden doesn't know anything different because his dad has been OTR all but 7 months of his life.

Jackson will have the same outlook as Brayden, since its the same situation.

My mother in law seems to be more understanding that my emotional state is very weak right now, and did not push the issue that I took the initiative to kind of run off and not go home right away, after my husband boarded the Greyhound.
I immediately met with Crystal at Target upon leaving the bus station, and gave myself a little retail therapy.
She really took the reigns with the schoolwork today which was a weight off my already heavy heart and shoulders.

I found the crib I want for Jackson, but they didn't have it in stock, so I splurged a little on myself instead, and I'll go back for the crib another day.

Joe has been texting me throughout the day, saying the second bus was late but that the bright side of it was the layover in Dallas would be cut short. (He loathes Dallas.)

This is the first night in almost a year I won't wake up to find him next to me in our bed. I'm worried about my already prevalent panic attacks intensifying.

Tonight after the kids go to sleep and aren't aware of my emotional state, I'm going to take 30 minutes to myself, allow myself to cry as hard as I can for a half hour, have my own little pity party, then be done with it. After that, I'm counting on comfort from our big ol German shepherd to cuddle with :-p he knows when I'm not ok and when I'm not ok, he's not ok.

I'm stronger than this. I just need to not let the first day be bottled up or it's all going to spill out and effect the rest of my life.
It took 2 years to not cry after dropping him off at the terminal last go 'round.
Then I would see how long I could go without crying on the drive home.
When I was able to get from Fontana to Hollywood without crying, I knew I was getting tougher. Eventually I was able to drive the whole way without tears.

Then Campbell started training me in MMA and I gained even more confidence, so because of that-I know what I need to do. Take out anger and frustration on a canvas punching bag, and working on my techniques. I'm starting at the ken rose studio soon to really learn how to center and control my anger.
It's really a great outlet and I know that's where I need to be in my mental health.

So tonight I invited Brad to sleep in mommy's bed tonight. He was more than happy to oblige. I'm going to go lay down with him and try some relaxing, deep breathing techniques.

More tomorrow.

~B

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

I was thinking about you today.
Not that its unusual. But so much has happened since you left.
How's Grampa? Does he treat you differently now?
I bet Great Gramma Helen was surprised to see you.
Tell gramma Opal i love her, and kiss Joy Venturine on the forehead for me.
Did you get to go fishing with Jim Croce, yet?

Joe came off the road the week you left. He's been an awesome support system.
The kids want me to tell you hi, and that they love you. You'd be proud of them.
They're all doing really well.
Maesyn has become a video game addict.
Joey is still....Joey....
Ava has turned into the diva from hell. 6 goin on 16.
Brad is talking and getting into trouble a lot. Typical boy. But he's a mamas boy.

We're expecting again. Another little boy we're naming after you, who is due the same time you left, exactly one year later. Pretty sure you had a hand in that.
You win. :)

We got a new car because of the baby. I think if you were here you'd go nuts with all the gadgets. So many buttons you'd be able to push and mess with.
I won't need your help scraping bumper stickers off this time, though. Don't plan on putting any on anytime soon, unless Shawna finds something she doesn't think I can live without -so you dodged that bullet. Haha.

I never told anyone this, because I feel like I'm beating a dead horse again, but with all I know about the case from our hired investigator, and with what my brain and heart believes happened, Katy Perry's song 'Wide Awake' kind of tells me the story from what MAY have been your point of view, while you were pulled from the lake. Let me explain.
••••••••••••••••
I'm wide awake

Yeah, I was in the dark *in the lake
I was falling hard*for Janet

With an open heart*wanting so badly for love reciprocated

I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?*she wasn't right for you
I'm wide awake

And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems*you were a free babysitter

I'm wide awake*aware but it was too late

Yeah, I was dreaming for so long* of what could've been

I wish I knew then-her intentions.

What I know now-who she really is.

Wouldn't dive in-would have thought clearly, not like a lovesick puppy.

Wouldn't bow down-* you gave in

Gravity hurts*your trust got broken

You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete*during CPR

Falling from cloud nine*leaving your body

Crashing from the high*the drugs you took that jaded you that night

I'm letting go tonight*you must have knew it would happen because you didn't completely trust.

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine*you realized the truth and it hurt.

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep-
I picked up every piece-
And landed on my feet-at the pearly gates.

I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again*rebirth in the heavens.

Out of the lion's den*earthly suffering you endured

I don't have to pretend*no need to, now.
And it's too late*it was too late.

The story's over now, the end* The last chapter in your life.


I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete-PRETTY sure you were aware of what was happening during resuscitation

Falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud nine

I'm wide awake-laying in the hospital bed, I knew you could hear me but they had you so doped up you couldn't respond.
Thunder rumbling*the family crying. You heard us.
Castles crumbling* our hearts breaking.
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on*life support
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side*Made the best of your situation
I'm wide awake
I'm not blind anymore...*you can see what path she led you down.

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake




Anyway. I needed to get that off my chest.
I read into stuff, I know. But my gut has never steered me wrong.
There's other songs that speak to me at random times, but that's for another time.

Forever a truckers wife.

A lot of people will say "if I had it to do over I'd do it differently" and never get to revisit that opportunity.
Our family, on the other hand, is being blessed with a major "re-do", and I am more than prepared to do it right this time.

This week has been a lot of decision making, and weighing pros and cons, and my husband and I decided with the 5th baby due in 4 months, the airport shuttle job isn't going to cut it anymore.

Joe leaves for Oklahoma as soon as he receives the call for his trucking company's orientation date.

Am I sad? Of course.
Stressed out about it? You bet.

However, I'm also thrilled about getting back to the income that allowed our "easier" lifestyle for the past 6 years.

So the way I need to look at it, rather than concentrating on the fact my husband will be gone so much, is that I have another opportunity to do things differently.

Last go 'round, I was too nice about lending money.
Lesson learned.

I piddled away money like it was being printed in the garage. Bills were all paid, and kids never missed out on anything, but did I really need to get coffee every morning, get (and maintain) acrylics, and go shopping with friends at the drop of a hat? I'm in California. That shyt ain't cheap.
Lesson also learned.

Now I have the chance to stash it away like a squirrel preparing for winter. That crap is over.

Hubby is stressed out about missing the new baby's milestones, missing birthdays and holidays, and about me having to raise them on my own.
Understandable.
However, if it was a second baby rather than the 5th I'd probably be more hesitant- since I felt the second was the harder of them all to adjust to. Any baby born after that was easy to adjust to.
No worries there. I'm a tougher bitch than I'm given credit for. I'd like to see my "haters" do what I do. ;)

The kids are thrilled that this time they're old enough to go with him.
How cool is that gonna be for Joey??? The one most effected by his daddy's last stint on the road actually gets to see the country with his idol.
And the virtual school gives him the freedom to do schoolwork anywhere for that week or so.

Anyway.
Things are going to be different for everyone. But a good different.
This time, as a "veteran" trucker's wife, I have the ability to be more supportive of the friends I have who are just starting their TW journey (i.e. dawn, kristin, etc)
I feel I'm more qualified to be a support system for these women, now. I've been through it.
Yea. That's now I'm looking at this.
I'm not losing my husband. I'm gaining perspective on life and get to show my children I'm an asset to people who need me.
Including them.



Godspeed.

Homeschooling The Pack

Month 1-
It's gone by so fast I totally didn't realize I'd not talked to other family members outside this house in a month. My poor grandmother probably thinks I hate her. :( Not contacting her through all the commotion was NOT intentional, but now I'm scared to call her out of complete fear of a Jewish guilt trip.....


Valentines day was the official last day of traditional public school for my kids.
After a bitch-fest battle with the principal and the school district, and feeling like I was stripped of my rights as a parent everytime my children stepped foot on their campus, my children started becoming treated horribly.
I decided they weren't going to get $30/day for each one of my brood.
My initial reaction was to transfer them to another school. I went through the process of interviewing different principals at other schools, found one I was willing to transfer them to, and was told there was enough room for all of them.
After putting in the transfer request (immediately after looking at the class lists and how many were in each class which prompted the request forms), I waited for a few days to hear back. I was told the school didn't have room for my Kinder. My husband and I found this laughable because we realized the principal at the current school tried to make it so we'd need to take the older kids to that school, then find a different school to enroll our Kinder, to make things harder on us.
What the district wasn't expecting, was that my husband's brain was conjuring up the idea to take them out of the district completely, and homeschool them.

Well upon receiving the crackpot news that there suddenly wasn't room for my Kinder, and my 2nd grader saying the staff at the current school were mean to him (he was lashing out in class at this point because of frustration, but no one told us the reasons prior to this) the enrollment process was started with the virtual academy program.

This has been a learning process for all of us. Frustration has been evident, but it's not enough to send them back to the school that didn't care. (I'd rather have a few hours of chewing my nails than possibly have my kids think I didn't care about their well being while under the supervision of adults I don't particularly trust.) We're all still learning how to use the website and getting the hang of what needs to be prepared in advance for what lesson, but we are all thriving and working together as a team.
Even my 2nd grader's foul attitude he felt he was forced to have because of school has changed.

We were sent a brand new desktop computer, and all of the curriculum in neatly organized boxes.
They do online and offline schoolwork. Every Monday morning they have what's called a "Weekly Wake Up" session that gets them back into the swing of things after the weekend.
An average school day has a minimum of 4 hours, and this needs to be achieved by 11:59pm every night.
If this is done at a reasonable time every day, we have the rest of the day to do whatever we want. I will still try to sneak in some "offline" lessons, like taking them to the store and having them figure out what goes in the dinner recipes, and how to make change.
They have mandatory testing, they have to do in another town, and we meet with the "homeroom" teacher, Mrs. Duffy regularly to turn in work samples (to prove they're actually doing the work lol)
My 4th grader has a new-found love for science, though. She didn't get to do compost experiments or make ecosystems with bugs and flowers out of old milk cartons while she was in regular school.

The biggest frustration we've had is knowing they're basically re-doing the grade levels they're in because we enrolled them so late in the year.


I hear "But mommy, I already know this stuff..." quite a bit.



We'll be working through the summer to get them completely caught up to the next grade, but the review is NOT a bad thing.

You just got "Other Mothered"!

Are you "that" mom?

These are some honest to goodness quotes my friends and I have had to listen to (and bite our tongues through) from those "other mothers", so we don't completely lose it, and start laughing hysterically.
We may have straight faces while listening and nodding, but afterward we laugh and post blogs and ask "did she not realize how RIDICULOUS she sounded?!"




We don't encourage Sally to use make-up and nail polish, because we don't want her to feel she needs to be all pretty'd up to make friends, so she won't be attending your daughter's mani/pedi birthday party. And if you set aside a goodie bag for Sally so everyone is "fairly treated", I'll have to go through it first because last time you added some very questionable smelling nail polish....

Do NOT tell your kids about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or any other mythical figure. God doesn't approve.

 Oh...How nice of you to bring 'store-bought' cookies to the class party. 

You're working now? Who is watching your poor kids?

We didn't name her Gabby. We named her Gabriella. Mmmkay? Thanks...

You HAVE to let your baby teethe on tree bark. It's 100% natural...

How DARE you get pregnant?!?! You have TATTOOS! I'm embarassed FOR you.

Caca Dodo Hernandez? You shouldn't name your baby that. I know it's YOUR baby that YOU'LL be pushing out of YOUR vagina, but YOU'RE not the one who has to live with that name...

Make everything out of duct tape and old beach towels. You'll impress all of the other room mothers...

If you drink anything but water during pregnancy you're a HORRIBLE mother. Even orange juice has too much sugar. Your baby will come out twitching.

1 month old infants need hard-soled shoes. 

HOW could you consider formula feeding?? It causes brain defects and they choke AND DIE on clumps!

WHY would you consider breastfeeding?? You can't have sex and their spit up smells horrible! (what??)

Start sports really early. Everyone needs a trophy. Even at 12 months.

She just sniffled. You aren't calling the pediatrician fast enough.
.
Do kegels.

Babies aren't born with fully developed knee caps. Don't try to make him stand too early.

You HAVE to get a C-section. It's awesome!
But after they slice you open, take a 9 pound baby out of a 4 inch slit, then staple you shut, you can't take pain meds because you're choosing to breastfeed. Awwwe thats too bad....
Better you than me.

Get extra safety attachments for the carseat. 5 points isn't enough. You want to make sure she's SO SAFE that if the car explodes you absolutely CAN'T get her out of the car.

Do you pee when you sneeze?

Act like a germaphobe in public so you don't get crucified. And if you drop the teether on the ground in front of ANY other parent ANYWHERE, just throw it away. 

TV is the devil.

SUNBLOCK!

Hand sanitizer...

Expose your baby to music in the womb. 'It' will be smarter when 'it' gets older.

You have more than 2 kids? The therapy is going to cost a FORTUNE.

i have one 4 month old. I know more than a mother of 7 because we read books and do popcicle stick art EVERY day.

It's SO SELFISH of you to take a shower without the baby!

If you're going to have sex, put the baby in the swing outside the door so she can't see what you're doing. It can traumatize a 3 week old.

Our parents didn't watch anything we did. But we have to make sure we, as parents in this generation, can not leave kids alone with wood burning kits or old rusty lawn darts.

Sleep is only for terrible mothers.

Another "horrible parent indicator"- pacifiers.
If you can't keep your baby happy 100% 24/7 without a pacifier, your punishment is BRACES in 10 years and dirty looks from every cardigan wearing, brand new jogging shoes sporting, ponytail swinging under a khaki visor, soccer mom 'book parent' in the grocery store.