Once again a truckers wife.

Day 1

Joe is on the Greyhound to Oklahoma, now.

Maesie and Joe Jr. are seasoned trucker brats. They're more understanding of what's happening.

Maesie can very easily lose herself in a video game and keep busy if she needs to.

Joey's preoccupied with schoolwork. I don't know if this has hit him yet. We will find out soon enough.

Ava is still not quite ok.
Being very attached to her daddy, shes taking this the hardest. She's been in heaven since Joes been home. As he was saying his goodbyes, she was very stand-offish while she wept, like she felt she was being abandoned by her hero.
My cousin came over while I was at the bus station with Joe, and told me Ava was distraught and more clingy than usual. This one is going to take some time.

Brayden doesn't know anything different because his dad has been OTR all but 7 months of his life.

Jackson will have the same outlook as Brayden, since its the same situation.

My mother in law seems to be more understanding that my emotional state is very weak right now, and did not push the issue that I took the initiative to kind of run off and not go home right away, after my husband boarded the Greyhound.
I immediately met with Crystal at Target upon leaving the bus station, and gave myself a little retail therapy.
She really took the reigns with the schoolwork today which was a weight off my already heavy heart and shoulders.

I found the crib I want for Jackson, but they didn't have it in stock, so I splurged a little on myself instead, and I'll go back for the crib another day.

Joe has been texting me throughout the day, saying the second bus was late but that the bright side of it was the layover in Dallas would be cut short. (He loathes Dallas.)

This is the first night in almost a year I won't wake up to find him next to me in our bed. I'm worried about my already prevalent panic attacks intensifying.

Tonight after the kids go to sleep and aren't aware of my emotional state, I'm going to take 30 minutes to myself, allow myself to cry as hard as I can for a half hour, have my own little pity party, then be done with it. After that, I'm counting on comfort from our big ol German shepherd to cuddle with :-p he knows when I'm not ok and when I'm not ok, he's not ok.

I'm stronger than this. I just need to not let the first day be bottled up or it's all going to spill out and effect the rest of my life.
It took 2 years to not cry after dropping him off at the terminal last go 'round.
Then I would see how long I could go without crying on the drive home.
When I was able to get from Fontana to Hollywood without crying, I knew I was getting tougher. Eventually I was able to drive the whole way without tears.

Then Campbell started training me in MMA and I gained even more confidence, so because of that-I know what I need to do. Take out anger and frustration on a canvas punching bag, and working on my techniques. I'm starting at the ken rose studio soon to really learn how to center and control my anger.
It's really a great outlet and I know that's where I need to be in my mental health.

So tonight I invited Brad to sleep in mommy's bed tonight. He was more than happy to oblige. I'm going to go lay down with him and try some relaxing, deep breathing techniques.

More tomorrow.

~B